For as long as I can remember, I’ve been an introvert person. It’s a way of dealing with things, and sometimes a way to hide myself. It’s started in school, when I realized I was a bit different: my style, my hair, I wasn’t an outgoing type. People would make fun of me, look at me different, call me names, and I started to question myself. Why can’t I just look the way I want to, and be as quiet as I want to? I started to doubt myself. Somehow people always find it hard: a girl that has an outspoken way of dressing and styling herself,who is a professional singer, who entertains people for a living, is a quiet and introvert girl in her daily life.
I have accepted myself, and know that I’m an introvert person, but am super social when it comes to my person social life or when I’m working as a vocal coach or as a singer or songwriter for other artists.
I still I have my insecurities. Last week I went into hiding. I was tired, had some really bad breakouts on my face and wasn’t comfortable in my own skin. I just needed a week to find some inner peace and battle things out. Please excuse me for being a crappy blogger, but sometimes life isn’t perfect or about Instagram edits and photoshop cannot save everything.
So for today I’ll sharing some of my insecurities and awkwardness.
Size // Size doesn’t define beauty and I see myself as a curvy blogger. On some days I just find myself too big and nothing in my closet will look good on me. I tend to go and hide in some baggy clothes, watch Grey’s Anatomy, eat a bag of crisps and cry my eyes out. This happens about once every month.
Akward Blogger // I sometimes doubt myself as a blogger: I’m late to the party, not a size 0, not amazing at selling myself and find press events always a bit uncomfortable. I love meeting new people, but always fear what other people think of me. I get nervous, but luckily the events I choose to attend are always fun and people are nice. So it’s all in my head.
Sequins and hotpants // As a singer I fill in for a sick colleagues, every now and then. Performing at party’s, or weddings with a coverband, means you have to look a little festive. For a lot of singers out there, this means sequins. Don’t get me wrong though, wear whatever makes you happy! I love sequins too, but in a different way. Also hotpants. This size 14/16 booty will not wear those tiny little pants on stage. Not without a 40 denier pair of tights. Thing I also hate: wearing a tie over your dress or top in the color of the band. Which is neon pink or yellow, or some other fugly color. Needless to say, these gigs always feel a little bit uncomfortable for me. But as long as I get to sing my heart out and sing songs by Adele and Beyonce, I’m ok.
Always late // I don’t mean missing the train or late for work. I mean I’m in my thirties and it feels like everyone around me is to buying a house and settling down with kids. I was 23 when I started college, and 28 when I graduated, much older than most of my class. I’ve started blogging a few years ago, but only part time and like I said before, it sometimes feels like I’m the last one to get that idea…Let’s just say I just take my time, and I guess that’s just the way it is.
The Walking Dead // I have epilepsy. I usually only have seizures in my sleep. I’ve been seizure free for a year, but always scared to have another seizure. Especially since I travel by train, and always fall a sleep in the morning or when I’m tired after a day of vocal coaching. I take my medication, and so far it seems to work. But when I’m really tired, and the train is so full there’s hardly any space, I get anxiety. Stress can lead to seizures, so not very practical. A seizure looks scary, I have my eyes open, I make scary noises, foam at the mouth..A bit like the zombies in the Walking Dead. Sometimes I just sit on the stairs or on the ground (you should see the looks people can give) and try to get a little bit of shut eye, but sometimes I’m so scared of getting a seizure I have to check if I haven’t bit my tongue or to check the looks of the people around me. Am I still me, did I just have a seizure or am I just snoring?
Black & Blue // I can be a little bit clumsy, but it’s not like I’m falling over my own feet every day. However, my epilepsy meds cause me to bruise easily. And by easily, I mean every time I bump my leg, it gets black, blue and purple. Not a charming look, and my legs aren’t my favorite body part to begin with….
So these are some of my my insecurities and awkwardness, do you have any?